So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
