do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
