I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
