I wish my penis had an off switch
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
