need another drink. this is the easiest way
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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