i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize
