I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I deserve this hangover.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
