At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
