Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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