My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
