Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
