she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
