so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
