just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
