I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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