genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
not ubering you a puppy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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