i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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