Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
