my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
