You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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