see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
