dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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