I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
