she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Four minutes until I can fart!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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