Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
