My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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