I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
