she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
