I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
