Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
