I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
