I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
