my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
there is glitter all over my balls
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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