Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
