We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
