I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
