I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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