Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
