and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
