Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm jealous of your bromance
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
