got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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