I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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