A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize