Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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