I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
