If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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