I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my sisters under your porch take her home
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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