So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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