Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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