Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
