I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I didn't shave. On purpose
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
