He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
