I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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