I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
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After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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