Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
