I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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