If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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