just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame today included voting.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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