I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
