i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
