dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
